Memories

I felt like I needed to write tonight.  I’m kind of in one of my moods where I kind of fall into a hole and can’t get out of.  I had an average day.  Work went well, I came home and was with my buddy Rufus.  Out of no where I think about Austin.  It just hits me so hard, still to this day.  I struggle to focus on anything else.  I revert back to my same string of thoughts.  That this is my life now.  My life without Austin. This constant pain and sadness. How am I supposed to live like this forever?

I was sick with the flu this week.  It seems to be going around.  Like I’ve mentioned in my earlier posts, I have very vivid dreams.  I have had a lot of Austin dreams since he’s been gone.  I had another this Monday night, when I was at my sickest.

Growing up in our first house in Andover, my brother and I had rooms that were next to each other.  We shared the same wall.  It’s hard to remember how often, but my brother would come sleep with me some nights.  It started when he was little and got until he was 11 or 12 I think.

Anyway he would have to be basically sleeping on top of you, literally.  It was almost like he was trying to smother you, and he was such a heavier sleeper and huge snorer.  I remember being annoyed, pushing him over to his side of the bed, yet to wake up later to find him back in the same place.  He needed that,and I’m glad I was able to give him momentarily comfort.

My dream Monday consisted of Austin and I having a sleep over.  We were watching our favorite show, and then I complained about him sleeping in my bed.  We ended up falling asleep.  I awoke (in my dream) and went upstairs to the kitchen.  My mom was cooking and I told her how annoyed I was Austin was sleeping in my bed.  She turned from the stove, looked at me and said “Aubrey, Austin is dead.”  I felt the dread , like I feel it in real life, come over my body. I dropped to the ground screaming.  And then I woke up.

Those dreams haunt me.  I’ve had so many. Some ways I feel like my brother was trying to tell me things. They aren’t always negative.  A few months ago I had this dream.

I was with my mom at her house, and we were waiting for my brother to come home.  He came in the door, all bruised and beaten up.  I ran outside and Brad was driving away.  My mom and I wrapped my brother in our arms. We started sobbing hysterically.  And Austin kept saying, “It’s okay, I’m done.  Brad can’t hurt me anymore.”  Austin was showing to me, in my dream, that Brad isn’t able to hurt him anymore now.

One of the things I have struggled with, and probably will struggle with the rest of my life is that Austin is in peace but he’s gone. He is happy, not hurting, and free.  That’s all I ever wanted for him.  To be happy.  But he’s not here.  He’s not with me, he’s not with my family, he’s not where he should be.  Do I want him to suffer and live for us? No.  Do I want him happy but not here?  Yes, but no.

It’s hard for my mind to process.  My therapist asked me the other day, what would you say to your brother now if you could speak to him?  I could barely talk I was sobbing so hard at the thought of this. I would tell him I only want him to be happy, to be in peace.  I wish that peace was here on earth, with us but it’s not.

He had plenty of reasons to stay, but he chose to leave. He needed to find his own peace and he did. He did a brave thing, he was always so brave.  He would have never believed so, but I looked up to him in so many ways.

I had 20 years with him.  That was not even close to enough.  I think about our childhood memories, our best times together, and recent things we shared together.  I am so scared I am going to forget things about him.  I feel like I already have.  I have the last picture and video we took on my phone together.  I’ve watched it a thousand times just so I can hear his voice again.  I sleep with his favorite Anchorman shirt every night.  I don’t want to forget one thing about him.  It’s just so hard.  Time goes by and it’s not easier.  This is all I can write tonight, emotional session for me.  Until next time-