Dreams of you

I’ve been wanting to write, which is somewhat unusual.  It helps heal my heart, but it also hurts at the same time.  The thing I struggled with at group therapy, was having to rehear a new story about how someone lost a person to suicide.  That constant reopening of my wounds, was too hard to handle.

I’ve had a few Austin dreams again, since my last post.  It was the same concept,  Austin was dead and I was in denial.  I didn’t believe it in my dream (that he was gone), but then he came home and was alive.  We made plans to go out to dinner and then back to my house for Nintendo games (our usual hangout routine).  I was so happy he was back, and all I wanted to do was spend time with him.

Then I woke up.  It’s such a hard reality to try to live with.  I know subconsciously it’s my mind trying to process his death.  He’s gone in my dreams, but then he came back this one time.  I know a part of me still hopes to wake up one day, have this all be a terrible nightmare and have Austin back with us.  As illogical as it sounds, part of my heart hopes for these things.

I also had a dream about Brad. It was vague, and I don’t remember most of it.  But we were out  together and he got upset and left me.  I know that’s also associated with my childhood, and how he left my mom, sister, brother and I.

Out of all the things Brad has done to me, this one incident has stuck with me and will for the rest of my life.  We were all at Brad’s townhouse in Maple  Grove (my sister, brother and I).  It was one of the rare times my sister was there.  Austin and I were “rough housing,” which we did often.  It got a little out of control and we started fighting.  I’m unsure if Brad was drunk, I’ve tried to convince myself he was because a sober man wouldn’t do this to his own child.

Brad came down the stairs and pulled me and Austin apart.  He then grabbed me by my hair, dragged me upstairs and hit me so hard I couldn’t breathe.  My body went numb.  I’ve never been so scared of a man in my whole entire life. My sister called my mom, was telling her what happened when Brad took her phone away and hung up.  Brad then proceeded to  lock us in the bedroom upstairs.  I couldn’t stop crying and shaking.

About 15 minutes later, we heard a knock on the bedroom door.  A policeman came in and took me outside.  My mom, panicked had called the police.  Thank goodness she had, I didn’t want to think of what else could have happened. He asked me what happened, I showed him the spot where Brad hit me. He then gathered all three of us kids and put us in the back of the cop car.  I bawled the whole way home.  Once we got to my mom, I didn’t want to leave her arms.

I didn’t sleep that night.  Looking back, I don’t know why I was so surprised he hit me.  He had abused my mom majority of their marriage, but I never thought he would with us kids. The next day he came to Andover to “apologize” to me.  What a joke.  I’ve seen Brad cry one other time in his life, and he came over with tears.  Fake tears.

That night still haunts me.  It has molded how I see relationships, and people. The mental abuse was enough alone, but then to have the physical abuse come out really messed me up in my head.

Austin was such a rare soul.  He had so much kindness and cared so much.  I know when Brad hurt me, it hurt him as well.  He was dealing with his own pain, his own neglect from Brad, but he loved me so much I know it wasn’t easy for him to see his sister being treated that way.  And there was nothing he could do, or anyone could do.

The other night I was driving home, after having a pretty decent night.  A song came on the radio, which was one of Austin’s song.  I almost had to pull over, I became so emotional and started crying.  I just wanted to scream. Why is he gone?  Why?

He was my best friend for 20 years and in an instant, he was gone.  Gone.  When I found out, there was a physical feeling of having a part of me being taken away.  When he left a part of me left with him, and I’ll never get that part of me back, ever.  The whole baseline of who I am has changed.  How I function as a human being.   How I see the world now, how I live my life each day.  I know I will never fully be complete ever again.

I just miss him, so much.  My stomach still drops every time I think about him.  I feel like some days my life is a blur, I’m just going through my motions just to survive.  I know Austin was going through the motions as well. He was just putting on a show for us, his friends, and his life.  He wasn’t truly happy, and now I know what that’s like.  It’s a hell that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

That’s all I can manage to write for tonight.  My thoughts were a little jumbled, but that’s how my life feels most days.  Until next time –