Where are you?

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After you were gone, I always thought I would find you again.  I would step outside, and I would feel your presence in the wind, the sun, the sky, or a bird flying across the clouds.

I haven’t felt you.  I don’t know where you are, or if you are happy.  I tell myself you are finally happy and at peace, but I would like affirmation knowing you truly areI imagine you are in the lakes, with the fish and in nature where you felt your true belonging.   In the stream of rivers, in the waves of the ocean, finally being able to be free.

We shared years and years of memories going up to our cabin up north.  That was by far your favorite place.  You would be the first one on the dock, and the last one on the dock.  You had at least two tackle boxes, filled to the very brim of all the latest fishing gadgets and lures.

You were known for always bringing more than what was necessary, and for always getting your lures stuck in tree branches while out on the lake.  Those were some of the best moments we’ve spent together.  I cherish those memories more than ever.

I look back on our lives, on our childhood and all the pain we endured growing up.  I wish I could have taken yours all away.  I wish I would have gotten bullied instead of you.  What that have made you stay?  We will never know.

I wish a lot of things.  I wish I could have made things better. I wish I could have made you want to stay.  I think about all the things I could have done, every single second of my day.  I know everyone says I’m not supposed to do that, but how can I not?

You were so brave.  Braver than I will ever be.  You did what you needed to do, to get yourself out of this world.

I miss all our inside jokes.  We would quote so many movies, you would send me so many funny Spongebob memes.  I loved walking Jurassic Park with you, even though you were critic all the incorrect facts.  My favorite thing to do was to scream “AAaaaaauuuussstttiiinnnn” whenever you were around, just to tease you.  That all seems so silly, all the little goofy things we used to do.  But those things helped me get by, and helped my become closer to you.  You were my best friend Austin.

It hurts to say your name.  It hurts to think about all our things we used to do together.  It hurts to relive them in my mind every single day.  I hope one day it doesn’t hurt, that one day I could look back and smile.

I want to write more, but it’s getting hard. I reach a point and I have to stop.  That will be all for now.

  • So it goes.

 

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