The first cut is the deepest.

Another day of waking up and being alive.  Another day of living without you Austin.

I am so aware of others now; when I am walking downtown to work, or sitting on the bus on my morning commute.  I imagine you trying to live in this world.  I see others struggle to fit in, and my heart aches because I wish they could fit in.  I wished you could have fit in.

I befriended this older man on my bus.  He shakes when he talks, and he has a hard time walking.  He started talking to me one day about the rain, and I started talking back.  I have sat next to him the last 2 days, starting up a conversation.  Trying to be friendly, and be an actual decent person.  Most days I don’t think I’m such a good person anymore.

I know thats what you would have done.  You always saw the good in people, you never saw a disability or a flaw.  You saw the world how everyone else should.  You had a gift.  You had many gifts.

I try to be like you.  I try to put others before myself.  I try to love nature more, and be as kind as I can.  But things are different now.  You are gone.  My views on life, the world and everything I possibly believed in before is gone.

I never allowed myself to see the dark side of the world, and now that you are gone that’s all I see.  I see the hate, I see how cruel people can be, and I see how self destructive this world is.

They say the good outweighs the bad, but after loosing you, I beg to differ.  Call me bitter yes, my heart is going to be bitter for awhile if not forever.  Bitter that this world wasn’t the place for you.  Bitter that myself and others wasn’t enough to keep you here.

Your heart was so rare, such in a pure form.  If only I could have had the kind of compassion you did.  You loved nature, animals and plants.  You were so gentle, I don’t think you ever hurt a soul while you were here.

This is where society messes up.  I assumed from all the movies and the books that it wouldn’t mean you would actually take your own life.  I thought this was the worst you could physically do.

We will never know what happened.  I should have reached out. Did I?  I don’t remember.  I think I asked if you were “ok” and you of course said yes. It’s one of the awful thoughts that get fixated in my mind.  These toxic thoughts get played in my head, like a carousel that won’t ever stop.

The constant what if’s and going back to those days haunt me, and will forever haunt me the rest of my life.  I’ve read it’s surviver’s guilt.  I know there will always be this vicious cycle of feeling like I could have done something to help.  I regret all the little things I could have done.  And I probably always will.

Thank you for everyone who continues to read my blog posts.  I know they are all scattered and all over the place.  I’m not the best writer but this does help my mind, heart and soul.  This is a good therapy for me, so thank you.

Until next time.

So it goes.