My thoughts have been scattered lately. There’s a lot going on in my life that I’m dealing with. Crappy living situation, dealt with a lot of unnecessary issues, but going to move out by this weekend. Onto new and better things.
My anxiety has been ridiculous. It’s been hard to function most days. I hope this settles down once I move.
This is going to be a tough post to write, not saying any of this posts are easy at all to write. When I’m typing my thoughts that are imprisoned into my head, it’s even harder to read it on my laptop.
I’m going to tell what happened the day I found out you were gone. I hope readers can stick with me through this whole post. It’s going to be a hard one.
Life had happened, and I had to suddenly move. You were also in the process of moving into your own place in Mankato. I wanted to come visit you so bad. I wanted to have a brother and sister weekend, full of video games, junk food and laughs.
We had planned for me to come down that next weekend, and since I had to move so suddenly it didn’t work out. I promised I would come down soon.
I don’t know why it had to happen that way. I don’t know why I couldn’t have moved the weekend after. I don’t know why I couldn’t have had one last weekend with you, and had our time together.
Thats the shitty part about life. And I never fulfilled my promise to you. But you never fulfilled your promise to me either.
It was a Sunday night. I was watching Netflix, and getting ready for work the next day. Brad sent me a text saying, “What are you up to?” I didn’t reply, because it was Brad and he was an ass half the time.
I took a shower and then I saw two missed calls from Brad. Strange. I called him back. The time was 8:00 something on a Sunday night. Why would Brad want to talk to me now?
Our dialogue went as followed:
“Hi Aubrey. How’s it going?” – Brad
“It’s fine, I just got out of the shower. Why did you call?” – me
“I need to tell you something, so I’m going to come over soon.” – Brad
“Can’t you just tell me on the phone? It’s late and I want to go to bed soon.” – me
“No, I have to tell you in person. I will be over in 30.”- Brad
When he hung up on I got a weird feeling in my stomach. At first I thought I was being silly. Maybe it had something to do with my “grandparents” on that side whom I could have cared less about. It couldn’t be about you, it wouldn’t be.
I called my mom, who was on vacation in Missouri with my aunt. I told her what happened. She asked if it was about you. I said I had talked to you on Friday, and you were fine then. She said she talked to you yesterday, and it couldn’t be about you. I agreed and said I’m sure it’s not about you.
She said she was going to call you, and for me to call right after Brad left. I decided to call you as well, just for my sanity. I called your phone. It went right to voicemail. Your phone was off.
It was like this wave had hit me, and I all of a sudden felt light headed. Why was your phone off? You had to be ok. This doesn’t make sense. What was going on? Maybe you forgot to charge your phone, maybe something was wrong with your phone.
Brad called 30 minutes later, saying he was here, and I demanded he tell me. He said to let him in and we would “talk.” I ran to let him in, I’ve never run so fast in my life. My stomach was so twisted and turned, I could barely breathe. As I ran down the hallway, I told myself it couldn’t be about you, it couldn’t.
“Is it about Austin, is he ok? Tell me what is going on.” I demanded once I saw Brad.
“We will talk once we get into your apartment. ” – Brad said.
“What is wrong, just tell me now.” I begged as we rode the elevator up to my apartment. Brad said nothing.
We got into my apartment finally, which seemed like forever. I stood in the kitchen. Brad and his awful finance was there, along with her son. I thought why would they all be here? What was going on?
“Austin committed suicide.” Brad blurted out.
I fell to the ground. I collapsed. I gasped for air. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t stand. I thought for a quick second, did you actually die? Maybe you tried, but didn’t succeed. You must be in a hospital, alive but OK? You wouldn’t have actually done this, right? When Brad didn’t say anything else, I knew. I was frozen on my kitchen floor, completely shattered.
I felt a part of me physically leave my body. I felt my heart being ripped out of my chest, and go somewhere very far, far, away. I started to shake and hyperventilate.
“He did it Saturday, I just found out tonight.” Brad said. The words were a blur. I couldn’t even comprehend that you were gone. I couldn’t believe this was happening.
“Your mom doesn’t know, no one does but us.” Brad said. What? Brad put the burden, the weight of this on me? Brad was the adult here. I couldn’t even fathom that this was actually real, that this actually happened. Was I supposed to call my own mother and tell her my brother was gone? That her own child took his own life? While she was away in Missouri?
That moment, is a moment that flashes in my mind every single day. There hasn’t been a day, not in the year and a half that you have been gone, that I haven’t thought of that exact moment. The feeling, the room, the pure horror, the loss of you, the loss of myself. I couldn’t handle this. I couldn’t handle this pain, this loss, I couldn’t handle losing you.
It seemed like an eternity that I laid on my kitchen floor, crumbled, broken, lost and gone. I called my stepdad, my real dad in my life. I stumbled out the words; they tasted like poison, like some foreign language I was speaking. I couldn’t believe those words were actually coming from my own mouth.
I was so raw. I was in such disbelief, such denial. TJ (my stepdad) finally got ahold of my mom, my sister and everything. My sister lived in Nebraska at the time and she immediately starting her drive home with her husband.
My dad drove me and my car to my mom’s house. That drive was a blur. I didn’t speak to Brad, I closed my eyes and tried to pretend this was a nightmare. My mom was states away, where I couldn’t be with her. Once we got to my moms, I bawled in my stepdads arms. I just crumbled. Our family was forever gone. Forever ruined. We were no longer whole, or complete.
You were our family. You were the glue that held us all together. You were our lives, you were the reason I breathed, you were my best friend. And in one second you were gone.
How my dad told me, was one of the most life shattering moments in my life. How this man, this stranger who abused me my whole life was the one who told me that my brother was gone? That wasn’t his place. And the fact that no one else knew, that burden and that weight on my shoulders messed me up pretty bad. Brad did wrong, but he did wrong his whole life.
Those few seconds when I heard you were gone, have changed who I am forever. Gone. The old person I used to be is gone forever. I look into the mirror sometimes, and I don’t recognize who I am. This person in front of me isn’t happy, isn’t that wild and crazy girl anymore that loved life.
I am scarred forever. I am broken. My heart has never been the same since, and it won’t ever be the same. It was a physical feeling of having a part of me taken away. Taken away the day you left us.
That feeling I felt when I found out, has never gone away.
The whole entire baseline of who I am has changed. Once you left, the whole person I used to be left with you. I know I will never get that person back ever, and I have to try to live with this new person that I am today.
I have to stop writing, this was something really hard to share. It haunts me in my sleep, it haunts my thoughts daily but I needed to share it.
Until next time. – So it goes.
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