You’re Still Gone.

Another dream again, about you. It’s so haunting. My mind isn’t ready for you to be gone, but you’ve been gone for almost 2 years. How much my soul misses you, how much my soul needs you here.

I’m not 100% sure of the setting, surroundings, the people in the dream but that doesn’t matter. I was inside somewhere, extremely upset that you had passed away. My mom comes into the room and says, “Austin never died. He was pretending he was dead.  He was hiding out at Brad’s all along.”  My stomach drops.  You are alive?!  This pure hell that I’m living in is over?

“When is he coming home?” I ask. “Right now.” My mother replies. I start scrambling along the room, trying to get all of your stuff together. In my dream I can literally feel the dread, the sorrow, the pain, the numbness all leaving my body as I get ready to see you.

Moments later you come inside the house. I scream and give you a hug. “Why would you do this Austin?” I ask you. “I couldn’t stand to be here any longer, I needed to go away.” You reply. I told you in my dream to never leave me ever again. You shook your head in the dream.  I remember in my dream the feeling of relief, that this was all a nightmare and that my life would go back to how it used to be. I was happy. What does that feel like again? I can’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy on this earth, but in my dream I felt that emotion once again.

I woke up. My mind literally screamed at myself. It was a dream. It wasn’t real. Austin isn’t back. My life is hell again.

I’ve had this dream, different versions but with the reoccurring idea that Austin is alive again. Even though every day I walk this earth and in all reality know that Austin isn’t physically here anymore, my mind cannot let go.

Will I ever be able to dream of you not coming back Austin? I’m not sure. It doesn’t seem too promising. I know somewhere deep down in my heart, that a piece of me will always be looking for you, searching and hoping you come back. I will have to live with that the rest of my life.

My soul is searching for you, it has been since you left this earth. My soul will continue to search for you, until I can see you again. You left me here -stranded, abandoned and lost.

Until next time.

So it goes.