Searching For You

dark_lake_by_hamsher

My day usually consists of my mind going through extremities. I will wake up in the morning, feeling a little lost but mostly sad. Then I will get up, get ready for work and a feeling of dread will creep into my system. Dread that this is my reality now.

Once I get to work, I become content with the day. I am very lucky I finally found a job I like and work with some wonderful people. Usually work keeps my mind preoccupied, with the occasional drift of to thinking of you.

On my walk home from work, my mind is in a constant state of emotions.  I get to go home and see Rufus, which makes me happy. But then my mind is always left to wander back to you.

I get so angry sometimes. It’s s hard to explain. I feel like I just want to fall down on the ground, and scream my lungs out.

My body and mind still cannot process that you are gone. No matter what I experience or go through daily, I still can’t accept it. Will I ever accept it?

I still catch myself wanting to text you or snapchat you something silly, like one of our inside jokes. It’s so hard.

I had a great weekend. I had a wonderful Sunday, my best friend came to visit me. As I’ve mentioned before, my sanctuary is my bath.  I use oils, candles and relax and let my anxiety soak out of my body. I was relaxing in the tub, drinking a glass of red wine. My body was at ease.

I was thinking about you. I bought this awesome Jurassic World velociraptor poster, and wish I could have given it to you. I just started sobbing.  Grief, is what that is.

I couldn’t stop crying. I just miss you so much. I miss my old life, I miss my old self. I miss my brother.

Will it always feel so raw to me?  Will I always feel like this isn’t real?  That my world is all just a bad dream, and I will wake up with you being here again.

When I went to group therapy, specifically for people who have lost friends or family to suicide, we talked a lot about how after our loved ones have passed that they have showed us a sign in the world.  For example, this one woman lost her friend 4 years ago to suicide.  She loved animals, and she left behind her beloved cat.

After she had passed, her friend was so emotional and struggling.  She would search for signs that her friend was somewhere ok, that she was at peace.  Like I search for you Austin. She was walking outside in the winter, when she passed a tree with icicles.  She had to stop because there, in one of the trees was an outline of a perfect cat.  She knew that was her friend telling her she was ok.  That was 4 months after she had passed.

It’s been 2 years, and I’ve had nothing. I’ve had dreams.  Dreams of you, showing me and telling me you are at peace. That’s not enough. I want more. I need more. I want to look up at the sky, and see you. I want to look into a lake and see you. I want to feel your presence in the woods, or in nature. I can’t seem to find you.

You are completely gone from this world, but I know you are alive somewhere else. I know your beautiful soul is alive.  I hope I can feel your presence one day. I know my soul is ready, I’ve been searching for you all over.

That’s enough for today. I am hoping to post maybe once or twice a week now. I’ve had a lot of people reach out to me, in regards to my blog and I truly appreciate it.

I want to help in whatever way I possibly can.

Until next time.

So it goes.

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