You belong where you feel free

flathead-lake-dock-sunset-black-and-white-brian-stamm

I feel so defeated most days.  Once I wake up, to once I lie my head down on my pillow every night. This world is hard enough to live in, and now living without make its unbearable.

It’s a Holiday weekend. We are all going up North to our cabin. Your favorite place. I didn’t know if I would ever be able to go up there again. I know my heart would ache.

Last summer I went up. I know you wouldn’t want me to stop going up, because you are gone. I want to honor you, in every possible way I can. I want to catch the biggest fish on Lake Minnewawa for you. But it’s hard. It’s so hard to try to honor you, to do these things that you loved when you are not here anymore.

I knew it was going to be hard the first time going up there. All of the awful firsts we all have to live through. First Christmas, first birthday, first year without you. As the second year passes us by, it’s not easier.  Not even close.

Once I stepped onto that dock last summer, a flood of memories overwhelmed my soul. I couldn’t breathe. The world stopped. I was frozen in time. I stood there, looking at the lake.  Looking at the water, knowing how much love you had in your heart for nature. Knowing how many years you came up here, sat on this dock, threw your pole in the water and were happy.

We had the best moments, the best memories up at our cabin.  And it’s all because of you. It was all because of your wonderful heart and soul. You made things that much better Austin. I wish you would have known that.

With my anxiety, I struggle in cars.  I cannot handle driving in a car alone by myself for a a given period of time. My anxiety makes me panic, and I usually end up having an attack. I like to be by the city; by people, by buildings and places. I feel safe. I do not feel safe out in the middle of no where, not with how my anxiety is right now.

As I drove up to the cabin last summer, heading further away from civilization, buildings, places and my bubble I wasn’t anxious. My heart was sad but it was a beautiful drive up. The sun was out shining, the beautiful blue sky was beaming above me. The trees were all started to turn vibrant green.

I thought of you the whole way up. I became quite sad, as I mentioned but I was at peace. I felt some part of you. I knew this was your happy, where you felt the most safe and loved. In nature, on the lake, in the woods, outside where you were free.

I cried when I first go to the dock. And I ended up crying that night before bed. I lied there, in shock still. If any place where you would be, it would be here at the cabin. I could never imagine that place without you, ever.  And now I have to.

As I get ready to go up to your favorite place again, I will be thinking of you with every breathe I take. I will try to be at peace when I am up there. I want to catch a big fish and have you be proud of me, wherever you are.

To end my post today, my cousin gave me this sign she made me.  It quoted Tom Petty, “You belong among the wildflowers, you belong somewhere you feel free.”  Which couldn’t be more perfect or suiting for me. I am the wild child of my family – hippie heart and I move to the beat of my own drum.  I realized this quote doesn’t belong to me, but for you as well.

Austin, you belong somewhere you feel free. And you are there now.

Until next time.

So it goes.

 

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