2 Years Ago, Our Last Time Together.

Nothing has changed. Absolutely nothing. It’s been 2 years today. 2 years its been since the last time I ever saw you, ever again.  Our last time together here on this earth. My heart still aches just the same. My mind is still in denial. There is still a unfixable whole in the middle of my heart.

Everyone said time would make it better, yet it’s been the opposite. It seems to just get harder, the realization that you are gone forever.

Looking at our last picture we took together. We were both smiling, I was happy.  You were not. You looked thin, and there was so much inside of you. I wish I would have known. I wish I could have helped you, in whatever way.

I know why you left us, why you left this awful world. I still cannot process it, I still cannot full understand. I don’t think I ever will.

Today is going to be a hard day. Everyday is a battle, but I can feel it in my stomach it’s going to be hard.

My mind wanders, and I try to stop it. But my thoughts can’t be controlled when it comes to you. I wonder if you knew, 2 years ago that this was the last time you would ever see your family again.  I think you did.

It will be 2 years ago in a few weeks, the day you left us. I try not to think about you planning it out. I try not to think about how you timed it out perfectly. I try to imagine what was going through your mind. What you were thinking about, if you were sad or if you were anxious. I want to try to understand your thoughts during this time, to help ease my own mind.

I can’t. I just can’t put myself in your thoughts. I don’t know if anyone ever could. I shouldn’t think of these things, but my mind doesn’t know what else to do. I try to put myself in your place, I want to understand but I never will.

It hurts to breathe. It hurts to imagine your pain. It hurts so much still. I look at myself in the mirror everyday while I get ready and I see my pain. I see you. I see you in everything, but you are not there.

There are so many things I miss. I miss your laugh, your jokes, your love for nature, your love for animals. I miss your snaps, your text messages, I miss everything.

I know it’s another day, just another day without you. But it’s not another day to me.  I remember this exact day, 2 years ago. I already wrote about our last day together in a previous post. I had my time with you, driving the 4 wheeler. The promise of you seeing Jurassic World with me. A promise you didn’t keep.

I am so mad. I am so mad at this awful world. I am so mad at you. I hurt in every way possible. I feel it in every step I take. I am mad you left this world, left me alone. You never knew what leaving would ever do to me or our family.

I just want to crawl into a dark hole and disappear. I want to not face everyday with a knot in my stomach, a hole in my heart. I hate waking up and pretending to be happy everyday. To fake how I truly feel for the world, for everyone when deep inside I’m miserable without you. I know you did this everyday.  I don’t know how long I can do this for.

Time has not made things better, more bearable or more livable. I seem to be frozen, set in the same place. The same feelings, if not worse. I just want to be with you again, even for a moment.

This day I will keep in my heart forever. The memory of us together, the last day of my life that I will ever see you again Austin. 20 years of having you in my life was not even close to being enough.