Time.

VxlndMU

Time.

What does time really mean? Google defines time as the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole. Time doesn’t mean anything to me anymore, now that you are gone.

We live and breathe each second of the day, as the minutes pass us by we continue to function as human beings on earth.  I don’t function like a normal human being anymore. I am waiting. I am waiting to feel anything but this.

Time has changed it’s meaning for me. I get up each day with dread, denial, disappointment and such a heart ache. I try to live each day, each second and every minute just wishing the day would be over.  Wishing my heart would feel full again, hoping that my life is just an awful nightmare and I will wake up to you again.

A lot of things used to make me happy. But now, there are very few things that do. Things I used to get excited for, the kind of excitement where you can’t fall asleep the night before – that has all changed. I don’t feel that giddiness anymore. I don’t know what to look forward to.

Time has stood still since you left. It’s been almost two years and I feel like everything happened only yesterday. I feel trapped in this world. I feel like I don’t know who I am, what I’m doing with my life or why I am here on this planet.

I don’t know anything anymore. The baseline of the person who I used to be is gone, forever. You shaped me into who I was, and when you left you took me with you. Now, as I try to live in this world I don’t recognize myself. I don’t recognize the person I am changing into. This person that looks back at me in the mirror is a stranger.

I feel alienated almost. I feel like I don’t belong. My time here on earth has changed. I try to remember my old self. I try to remember my happiness, my dreams and my aspirations. I can’t picture that person anymore. I don’t see her in my future. I don’t know what I see in my future.

I don’t know what my dreams are, I don’t know what I hope for the future. I hope to be able to breathe once again. To have this awful, heavy weight off my chest. To have this big, black cloud that constantly surrounds me be lifted. To not feel so lost in this world without you.

I look at this world so different now. I look at time so differently, I wonder how long I will feel this way – if not the rest of my life.  I hope one day I won’t feel this constant pain, that I will eventually have things I can look forward to. I hope I can recognize my identity again one day.

You never knew what you leaving us would do.  You never knew how much I would struggle, how much I would ache each day. You finally found your peace, and now I need to find mine. I hope one day that is possible. I hope this aching will finally stop. It may stop the last time I take a breathe on this world.

I miss you so much little brother.

Until next time.

So it goes.

 

 

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