It doesn’t seem real. It doesn’t seem like this is my life. These last 2 years have all been a horrific nightmare. I’m going to wake up. You will be here with me again. I will be able to breathe.
Reality. It’s so incredibly harsh. Living with this new reality of mine, this foreign concept that I will never see you again. Has it really been 2 years? 2 years since I was able to talk to you, hear your voice, laugh with you, tease you, hug you, and love you.
I lost my best friend. I lost a part of me I will never get back. I will never be able to live my life the same way. My heart is forever broken, an empty hole where you used to be.
I’ve been so mad lately, I know it’s part of the grieving process. I’ve been so mad at this world, myself, you. The pieces of the puzzle will never fit. There are so many unanswered questions I have, so many thoughts that consume my whole mind.
I want to be able to reminisce, I want to be able to look back at our time together and smile. Don’t get me wrong, I do that now occasionally. It’s so very hard to be happy or have happy thoughts when it comes to you. The thought will start out happy and then in an instant it leads to your absence, and my heart completely shatters.
It’s a vicious cycle, a cycle I’ve written about before. How my mind will start and go down a very dark, deep path that I will not be able to get out of.
I try to honor you, every second of the day. I hope I can do better at this one day, one day when I am in a better place.
It’s been 2 years, and I want to share a positive post of memories of our love, bond and friendship together. And it’s still so hard for me to do this. It’s still too raw, too raw in my mind and my heart.
I’m continuing to drown in your absence. It’s a never-ending ocean, and I am trying to keep my head afloat and it’s impossible. If only I could speak to you again, to tell you how important and loved you are.
I’m going to share a memory now, even though as I write these tears are streaming down my cheek. We always shared the same passion for animals. You loved every animal here on this earth and you knew everything about them. Every scientific fact, every little thing possible. You were incredibly smart.
You came to visit me in my first apartment downtown. I was fostering two little puppies, but I needed your help. You came over and these two little puppies just adored you. They crawled all over you, gave you endless kisses and you were happy at this moment, or so I had thought at the time.
You hooked up SpongeBob to my TV, and we had junk food, played with the puppies and watched our favorite show together. The next morning we got up, and went to the Animal Humane Society where I worked. There was this dog name Sochi, who I had wanted you to meet.
She was a husky mix, and the sweetest type of dog there was. You had always wanted a husky one day. As we took Sochi out and sat in a room with her, she came and sat right next to you and put her head on your lap. She instantly loved you. She saw how pure your soul was.
We talked about how you were doing, and I mentioned once you moved into your own place you should adopt a dog. You agreed, but you also wanted a flying squirrel. You had an aquarium full of the most amazing fish, and I knew you eventually would have a whole zoo.
I remember smiling in that moment, because I could imagine all of this for you. I imagined an apartment full of all these animals, all these endless books on every type of fish and how to raise a flying squirrel. It was an amazing brother/sister weekend we had together. One I will always remember and cherish.
You left me here. You left me here for a lifetime. A lifetime living without you. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to live anymore. It’s only getting harder, but I have to try. I have to try for you. I have to try to honor you, in every way I can.
I never want to forget a moment, a second, a memory of our time we had together. So I’m going to continue to write this blog. For you Austin. To share my struggles, to share the memories of us, to share you and everything you are. I love you more than anything else on this earth, and that will never change.
You are finally in peace, where you belong. You are in the sky, you are the birds flying high in the clouds. You are the trees, the green grass that surrounds us. You are the water in the lakes, swimming free among the fish. You are fish, swimming endlessly in the ocean. You are finally free.
Until next time.
So it goes.
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