Bravest Soul

One of the rarest, most beautiful things about you Austin was your ability to see past everything.  You never saw someone who had a disability, who was ill, or who had a deformity.  You saw them for their soul. You could look at someone and see the true person they were, despite their physical appearance.

That is a gift, that is one of the gifts you had. Everyone who met you loved you.  Although you could never see this, you inspired everyone who you met. You touched their hearts, and no one in this whole world could ever say anything badly about you.

You didn’t see someone for their color, their religious belief, their sex, or their social status – you saw them as a soul. A soul living on this earth, equally with everyone else.

I try to be like you Austin. I try to see people like you saw them. It’s a lot harder than it sounds. I want to do good in this world. I want to do good in this world for you, because all the good you did despite all of your struggles.

I hope that whenever my time is for me to leave this world, I will have an impact like you did. I know I could never touch as many people as you did, but I hope whenever it’s my time to leave that I have touched a few people’s souls.

I think some of you is finally rubbing off on me. My soul has been so fragile since you left me. It seems like my eyes have finally begun to see things how you saw them. I see the people in this world, who are struggling. The sad souls that drift through each day, with no one to care for or to love.

I feel their pain, I feel their hopelessness, I feel their sorrow. I see the people who don’t have anything. People who may not have a family or don’t have a good friend or support system. My heart aches. I want to be their friend. I want their souls not to feel sad or hurt. I don’t want people to continue to suffer in this messed up world.

Where there is people, there will be suffering. The human kind is a not a nice kind. People continue to hate, suffer and destroy one another. This will continue to happen for the rest of the time that human civilization is here on earth.

There will always be hate.  There will always be loss and suffering. There will always be mean people, there will always be bullying. I can’t control it. You couldn’t control it. But you did reach out to so many others and helped them, even when you couldn’t help yourself and that Austin, is the bravest thing.

You were the bravest soul. To live in this world, when you were continuing to suffer and to see the best in others and continue to help them. I admire you so. I wish I would have seen all of this before you left us.

To transition into my dreams. I’ve dreamed of you recently, and I also dreamed of Brad.  I will share your dream first.

I was driving with someone, and we were driving down this same road over and over again. Suddenly there you were Austin, at the side of the road.

“Pull over, pick up my brother!” I screamed.  The unknown driver of my car continued to drive. “We can’t just leave him there forever.” I said. We passed you on the road, and you just looked so sad. So, hurt and defeated. My stomach dropped. Why would we just leave you alone, on the side of the road?I woke up.

Is this my mind telling myself that you are gone? I don’t know. My dreams scare me half the time. They hurt more than they help.

My second dream that happened this weekend was of Brad. The argument that caused our falling out happened the day after your funeral. I have written about this in one of my previous blogs.

Brad started telling me how his finance had all these opinions on my life. How I should be doing this with my life, financially and with my job, etc. She had no right to do this. Brad should have stuck up for me (which he never did) but she was the most awful human being on this planet (along with Brad).  They truly deserve each other.

Anyways, that argument that happened in real life I had in my dream, except it happened in person (in my dream). Brad went off on his rampage, swearing at me and started throwing things becoming the violent man he was.

I was holding our first dog Ruger in my arms, and started running down the stairs and out of his townhouse. I then saw Brad coming outside with a baseball bat towards me. I didn’t even attempt to get into my car and started running around in the townhouse association screaming “Help me, help me!” In my dream, I knew he was going to kill me. It was dark outside and no one was home. I kept running. I kept running the empty streets hoping someone would open their doors so I could run to my safety, and away from Brad. I woke up.

What two lovely dreams right? My mind isn’t as far off as it seems. My nightmares are my reality. What haunts me in my dreams haunts me in my everyday life.

I know my Brad dreams will haunt me for the rest of my life, but I hope dreams of you Austin aren’t always so hard. I hope one day to dream happy thoughts of you.

This is all I can withstand to write for today. Thank you all who continue to read and follow my blog.

Until next time.

So, it goes.