You follow me everywhere I go. But I can never feel you, I know you are there.
Will I ever be able to feel you, at all?
I had another harsh wake up yesterday. I had a dream about you, and then I woke up. It was so real. You were exactly how I remembered you.
I rushed to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. I needed to be brought back to reality. Reality that you were truly gone.
It’s the harshest of realities. It’s what haunts me every night in my sleep. I remember being with you, just like it was yesterday. I remember your laugh, your smile, the way you gave the sincerest hugs.
In one second of my life, you are gone. Gone forever. I will never be able to hug you, or talk to you ever again. Someone I spent my whole life with, in one instant is gone.
Oh, gosh it hurts to breathe. This sadness consumes my whole entire body, and it hasn’t gotten easier, not one bit. This darkness in my soul is here to stay forever.
The weight is so heavy. The weight of living without you.
My worst panic attack I’ve ever had I want to share. I’m even embarrassed to post this, I’ve had so many nightmares and so many scares – but this one was incredibly hard.
I was driving home from work, thinking about Rufus, and what I was going to do that night. I was not thinking of you, I didn’t have any bad thoughts in my head. I was two blocks away from my house.
All of a sudden, my entire left side of my body went numb. Completely numb. I almost passed out from the shear panic of the situation. I pulled over, got out of the car and called my mom.
“I’m dying mom, I’m dying.” I cried into the phone. Everything was starting to turn bright. I started to feel heavy. I couldn’t move my left side of my body. I thought this was the end. I literally thought I was going to die.
I hung up with my mom and called 911. I could barely get the words out. The operator told me to stay on the line. I was slumped against my car. A few minutes later I heard the faint sound of sirens.
Will I die without ever seeing my mom again? These thoughts crushed into my body. I was feeling so faintish. I didn’t have any more strength to keep my body up against my car.
The ambulance came. They started asking me all these questions. It was a blur. They checked all my vital signs and put me on a stretcher and into the ambulance. They stopped outside by the hospital.
They had my mom on the phone, I couldn’t hear what the paramedics were saying. I couldn’t hear anything at all. I only saw bright lights. My vision was a blur. I still couldn’t feel the left side of my body.
“Aubrey, Aubrey.” A paramedic said.
“Can you sit up?”
I started to sit up and felt nauseous. I lied back down.
“All of your vitals are perfect, they are right where they need to be.” He said.
“We can take you to the hospital, but everything checked out fine.”
“I have anxiety attacks, and depression.” I managed to mutter out. I felt completely embarrassed. I wanted to hide under the stretcher and never come out again.
“Have you had an attack like this before?” He said.
“No I haven’t, this has been my worst attack I’ve ever had. I am on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medicine. I lost my brother a year ago.” I said.
The three paramedics looked at each other blankly.
My mom was on her way.
They took me back to my house and made sure I was ok. I crawled into my covers. Rufus came and laid next to my hip.
I started to sob. I couldn’t stop. My whole body was shaking with every breathe I took. I cried. I cried for you. I cried for what you had done to me. How dysfunctional and how pathetic my life was now. How I could barely do every day normal things without breaking down.
I couldn’t live like this the rest of my life. I couldn’t have these types of attacks on a daily basis. I couldn’t survive with my life like this.
And it’s all because you left me.
My mom finally came and she wrapped her arms around me. I was never happier to see my mom. I thought I would never see her ever again. I was so scared.
Anxiety. People think it’s a joke. They don’t understand the depths it can do to a person. They don’t understand how it can physically affect your life. It literally has ruined my life. It was hard to live with this kind of anxiety. It’s still so hard to live.
I look back at that and I still wonder why. Why did my body do that? Because I am still grieving. Because I am still lost in this world. Even though at that moment I wasn’t thinking of you, in the back of my mind, in my heart and in my soul I am always thinking of you.
Your death haunts me in every possible way. It is in my dreams, it’s in my mind, it’s in my body and it’s in my heart. There is no avoiding this. It’s a constant struggle. I am caught in a circle that continues to spin. There is no exit. There is no way out.
This is all I can write for today. Thank you all who continue to read my blog and share it. I hope I am not the only one to have these types of extreme attacks, and I hope this possibly helps someone else who is struggling.
Until next time.
So it goes.