It’s been awhile since I’ve last written. A lot has happened.
It happened again. My anxiety attack.
I’ve been struggling with such severe anxiety since you left us Austin, and I still can’t control any of it.
I’ll start with a dream I had of you recently. You were young, very young. Maybe 3 or 4, but you talked like you were an adult. I went into your room. I helped you changed into your pajamas. I started sobbing hysterically.
“You know you are going to die, and you are ok with that?” I asked you.
“Of course, Aubrey, I’m fine with dying. Do not worry.” The young you said.
In my dream, I couldn’t understand why you would be ok with dying. How could anyone be ok with dying? I kept crying, and you kept calm, reassuring me in my dream that you were going to be ok.
What scares me, but never scared you was the choice of living or dying. You made your choice. You had complete control of your life. You chose to leave.
I have no control over my life. If I would go to bed tonight and have a heart attack and die in my sleep, I cannot control this. If I walked across the street tonight after work and got hit by a car, I have no control.
We live and breathe, every second of our lives and continue to live on this world. We could be alive in one moment, and then the next be gone.
That alone scares me. I was never scared of dying, until you left me.
I always thought I was so brave. Our family has been through more than any one family should. I am the tough one, I always had no fears. I lived my life wildly, carelessly and passionately. Now most days I am even afraid to get out of my bed in the mornings.
I’ve shared my worse anxiety attack, the day I had to call the ambulance. The day I thought I was going to die. I thought those awful days were over. I thought I survived through the worse days of my life. Boy, was I ever wrong.
I had a wonderful weekend this past weekend. I spent time with my boyfriend and my dogs – a few things that make me happy these days. We were at the Minneapolis Farmers Market.
We had been there an hour or so and we started walking back to my car. Completely out of the blue, the world started spinning. I became extremely light headed. I shook it off because it was warm out. I tried not to panic. I took a few deep breathes.
I started to drive. I got sick to my stomach. Everything started to get bright. I pulled over and had my boyfriend drive home. I lied down in my apartment. I couldn’t shake this awful feeling inside myself.
I started to panic. I started to feel like I was going to pass out. I didn’t want to pass out. I thought if I passed out, I would never wake up again. I thought I was going to die. This was the end for me.
Everything went blank. My boyfriend drove me to the emergency room. I was put on an IV and my blood pressure was off the roof. I started bawling.
I was so scared. I couldn’t catch my breath. My legs started to shake. I started seeing black spots. I didn’t recognize anything. I didn’t know where I was. I couldn’t feel my boyfriend’s hand on mine.
We were there for 4 hours. 4 hours where every bad possible thought passed through my mind.
Everything checked out fine. They ended up doing a CAT Scan to make sure everything was ok with my brain tumor and catheter.
I was finally released to go home. I was so embarrassed. I was so ashamed of myself. I was shaken up for the next few days. It all seemed like a bad dream.
This bad dream is my life. It’s real. And it hasn’t gotten better. I’m not sure I can mentally survive another one of these attacks.
And it’s all because you left me. You left me here, in this awful world to try to survive without you. I can’t live like this, this constant fear of death.
The pain of you leaving is more than my mind and heart can possibly bare.
I’m going to leave everyone with a few quotes from Slaughterhouse Five.
You loved this book Austin. I finally just finished it. After reading this, I understand now brother.
“The most important thing I learned on Tralfamadore was that when a person dies he only appears to die. He is still very much alive in the past, so it is very silly for people to cry at his funeral. All moments, past, present, and future, always have existed, always will exist.” – Kurt Vonnegut.
“It is just an illusion here on Earth that one moment follows another one, like beads on a string, and that once a moment is gone, it is gone forever.” – Kurt Vonnegut
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