The only way you speak to me is through my dreams. I hear your voice again. I can see your face. I can actually feel your presence again.
I dreamed about you again. I always do. In my dream, I jump between worlds. The world where you are no longer here, and then the world where you are present again.
I don’t know if you are truly trying to tell me things while I’m dreaming. I don’t know if this is the only way I’ll be able to communicate with you, ever again.
In my dreams, you are always alive again.
I woke up 3-4 times last night. And every time I closed my eyes, there you were again.
The first dream was of us driving together, our whole family was in the car. My mind was screaming in my dream. Aren’t you dead? Why are you in the backseat? What is going on? Did I only dream you were dead? I woke up.
I went to the bathroom, a little shaken up. Then I snuggled back into my covers and closed my eyes.
This time we were together. We were going to run errands (a common thing we always used to do together). You were sitting at a table, and I was next to you.
“Why must you die, Austin?” I asked you.
“I can’t explain it. It’s not like I have always wanted to die. It’s a choice Aubrey.” You told me.
You were so nonchalant and casual about this conversation. In my dream, I couldn’t breathe.
“I’m fine with this choice. I wanted it.” You said. I started to cry. Then I woke up.
It took me a good 5 minutes of me lying down in my bed, telling myself that this was a dream. That I was actually awake, in this current state.
I tried to change my mind to something else. I snuggled with my dog. I held him so tight and listened to him snore in my ear. Eventually, I dozed off again.
This time we were out to eat somewhere. We were again, sitting down.
“I am so sorry Austin. I should have done more things with you. We should have had more sister and brother time.” I said to you.
You didn’t reply, you just sat there enjoying your snack.
“Maybe if I would have been a better sister you wouldn’t have left us.” I said.
You again, said no words. I started to cry.
“I wish I would have helped you more, I know I could have helped.” I said.
I woke up. My mind felt like it was still swallowed in my dream. That I actually wasn’t present in this world. I felt like I wasn’t lying in my bed. I wasn’t in this universe. I was far off somewhere else.
I struggled to connect my mind and body. I sat up and went to the bathroom. I stared at my reflection in the mirror and studied myself.
It was 4:00 in the morning, and I didn’t feel like me. I didn’t recognize the person in the mirror. I didn’t recognize myself.
I couldn’t shake the feeling inside of me. The feeling of dread. The realization that you are gone forever. That I don’t have a brother anymore. That I am all alone.
I’ve been searching for you. A sign of you. A sign that you are ok now, that you are happy.
I haven’t felt anything. I haven’t felt you since you left me two years ago.
In a moment, you were gone. A small fragment in time. You were alive and breathing for 20 years, and then just like that you are gone forever.
I want to feel your presence again. I want a sign. I don’t believe in God, or heaven or hell anymore. I know wherever you are, you are in a better place than this world.
Maybe I will only be able to see you in my dreams. That’s the only way you will come back to me. I’ll be waiting. I’ll be waiting for the rest of my life.
“Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt.” – Kurt Vonnegut.
Until next time.
So, it goes.