Starting Over Again


Every day I get up. I get out of bed. Every day I try. Try to forget you’re not here anymore. That you’re not simply just a car ride away. That I can’t call or text you to say hi.

Every day I try. I try to live in this world without you. I try to survive. Some days are too hard. Some days I wish I could sleep and not have this be my life.

Every day I wake up and try to find myself. I stare at the reflection in the mirror. I still look the same, but it’s not me.

I’m not the same person I was 2 years ago.

It took me 25 years to finally figure out who I was, what made me who I am, how to finally be happy.

Then I lost you. I had to start from scratch. Like I was just born again. I have to regrow. I have to start over. The 25 years it took to finally find my place in the world is lost.  The person I used to be is gone forever.

I don’t know how to live anymore. I don’t know how to function. I’ve lost a lot of friends. People who don’t understand.

You were so much a part of me. I just feel lost most days. I feel misplaced. I feel like I’m walking this earth with no purpose or reason anymore.

Some days I have to literally stop myself and tell my mind you’re gone. There is a disconnect between my mind and heart.

I walk everyday in the park across the street from my apartment. Last week I saw this man sitting all alone on the park bench.

He had to be in his early twenties. He was sitting there, hunched over. He wouldn’t make eye contact. I tried to smile at him when I noticed his face.

There was some kind of deformity. His face was scarred. My stomach dropped.

I tried to reassure myself. That hopefully his soul wasn’t suffering. That he had a lot of good things in his life – like family, friends, a job, passions.

With what my own soul has been through, I now can feel things I’ve never felt before. I notice things that I never noticed before. I can almost feel their pain. This person was in pain. His eyes said it all.

It just hurts me so bad that others are continuing to suffer around me. I barely lived from losing you Austin. And yet, people are still suffering so terribly.

I will never know what that man was feeling. I will never know because I will never walk a step in his shoes. I wanted to go back and say hi to him. I wanted to help him. I wanted him to not feel so lost in this world. I wanted to tell him there is hope. That this life isn’t all bad. But then again, I don’t believe in those sort of things anymore.

But I didn’t. I kept walking. I swallowed the big lump in my throat and continued. It makes me wonder, how many others are suffering around us. Just because we can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there.

You suffered for so long and always were so quiet. No one knew how much you were hurting inside. Not even me. You hide it so well from us all.  The world has its eyes closed.

I know why I had another panic attack. I know why I ended up in the ER again.  It’s because it was your 2-year anniversary, and tomorrow is your birthday.

Even though my mind was trying to prepare for these dates, my body had other thoughts. My body knows those dates. It’s instilled in my soul.  My therapist told me today that’s why I had another serious attack. Everything aligns together. Everything happens for a reason.

I don’t even want to write about your birthday Austin. It’s hard to breath just thinking about it.

Every day I try to honor you, in some way or form. When it’s a significantly hard day like tomorrow, I want to go out of my way to do something for you.

I don’t have anything wonderful or extraordinary planned for you tomorrow. My mind tells me I should. I think I need to focus on getting through the day in one piece.

I need to focus on trying to breath and surviving the day.  I know if you were here I would have treated you to something special. We would have done something involving fish, dinosaurs, museum’s, lakes, etc.

It’s just another day. Another day I need to try to survive.

That’s all I can write for today.

Thanks, everyone who continues to read. Please share my blog if you know someone who is hurting or struggling.

Until next time.

So it goes.



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