Alice in Wonderland

It happens again.. I feel like Alice in Wonderland.. falling down a big, black hole and never being able to find my way out again.  It will always happen.  It will always be like this.  I’ll always be Alice in Wonderland, falling down that dark hole.

That’s what grief is.  That’s what it means to grieve.  Falling down a hole.  There is no light, no tunnel, only darkness at the very bottom.

After two years, I’m still at the bottom of the rabbit hole.  I’m still in denial, still in shock, still stuck in this awful place.

You are my first thought in the morning, and my very last thought before bed.  Last night, I was lying awake in bed.  Snuggling with my Rufus against my hip, thinking of all the things I had to do this weekend.

Then your face appeared.  Your smile, your laughter, your stature.  What I would do to be able to see you again.

My mind started to panic.  It was hard to believe that I had you in my life, every day for 25 years and now I don’t.  Your physical presence is gone forever.

My brother.  My Austin.  Gone.  Forever.

Just the fact that you are gone, still turns my whole stomach upside down.  I become light headed, nauseous and numb.  It’s deja vu.

I go back to that very night, the night I found out you had left us.  It’s like a slow-motion picture, in my mind. The events of the night play my head, and I get physically sick.

I have to continue to tell myself every day that you are gone, and I have a feeling I will have to do this for the rest of my life.

The trauma that comes with grief is unbearable.  I feel like I continue to attempt to dig myself out of this hole.  All I can see is darkness.  There is no light.  There is no guarantee that I will ever get out of my grief for you.  But then again, there are no true guarantees in life.

You were in your own kind of darkness, with no way out except for one way.  Not being in this world anymore – that was your only way out.  Your only way out to see the light.  Your only way to be at peace.

There are so many things I used to want- a husband, a big family, a big house in the suburbs.. but all of that has changed.  My heart isn’t the same.  How I feel about this world is how you felt.

You saw the world for how it truly is, and what the world is going to end up being.  We live in a world full of hate.  Hatred that is dooming our world.  Hatred that continues to kill.

I’m alone.  I prefer to be alone now.  My heart isn’t capable of doing what the average person can.  I’m not capable of loving others.  I don’t even love myself most days.

I don’t love my life, or the things that are supposed to make me happy.  My heart and soul have become numb.  The pure physical and mental abuse from my biological father have messed up my picture, perfect story of a relationship.  And now that you’re gone, that’s the last thing I see for myself.

I pretend.  You had to pretend.  You had to pretend like you weren’t suffering.  And the sad thing is, we all believed you.

All I can attempt to focus on every day is trying to breathe.  I have to literally force myself every day to live.  To live this life without you.  If you only knew.

If you only could have known what your absence would do to the people who loved you.

Until next time.

So it goes.