There is never enough time. There is never enough amount of time to have a living soul here on earth. Time comes and goes, flashes from one moment to the next.
We measure time in seconds, minutes, hours… But after I lost you, I don’t measure time anymore. I measure time by my memories and by moments I had with you.
Memories. How many endless memories I have of you, of us and the life we used to have together. I’m so scared. Scared that my mind will start to forget those memories as I grow older. As the days go by, the more days I have without you, the longer the memories to seem to fade away.
I don’t have you physically here anymore. You left this earth. I have majority of your belongings. I have your clothing, shoes, shirts, necklace, magic cards, etc. All the things that were you, I have. These are the things I cherish with all my heart.
I have your favorite Anchorman shirt that I sleep with every night. I have your favorite Jurassic World poster hanging in my closet. I have your glasses sitting on my nightstand.
All of these things bring me closer to you, as close as I can physically get to you. I look at these items, and I see you. I smell your shirts, and I smell you. I look at all your dinosaur figurines, and it takes me back to our childhood growing up.
We used to love watching Jurassic Park together. We used to play dinosaurs, and play with all your dinosaur toys. I never want to forget these memories. Never.
There is this memory that will always stick out in my mind. It was right after we lost you. I had the courage to go down to Mankato to clean out your apartment. My uncle and I drove down together. I met my biological dad there as well.
My mother and sister couldn’t bear to come. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I had made a promise to you. A promise I never kept. I promised you I would come visit your new place.
You were so proud of it. You finally had your own apartment to yourself. We were planning a sister/brother weekend. I was going to come down, play Grand Theft Auto, tour Mankato and be with you. I wanted to so bad. I didn’t have the time. Life got in the way. It always does.
I never made it down to your place, to spend that time with you. I will never forgive myself, for as long as I live for not fulfilling this promise to you. It was one of the last things I ever said to you.
The only reason I was brave enough to go down to your apartment after you were gone, was to somehow fulfill that promise. I had instilled that in my mind I needed to do that for you, even after you were gone.
This memory will live in my mind and soul for the rest of my life. I told everyone who was there to help clean out your apartment, to leave me alone in your bedroom. I only wanted to touch the very important things you kept in your room. I wanted everything.
These are the only physical things I had left of you. I started going through everything and packing up all of your personal items for myself, my mom and sister.
My biological dad came into the room and started throwing your things in the garbage. I started screaming.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
“I’m throwing these things away, you don’t want to keep this shit.” Brad said.
“I want EVERYTHING.” I screamed back.
He was going to through away your cologne, and as silly as it seemed I wanted that. I wanted to remember what my brother smelt like. Tears streamed down my face.
Brad left the room. He never came back in. I’ll never forget that memory, of him wanting to throw away your cologne. I’ll never forget how the pain felt in that moment. How the pain stung my body, how the hot tears streamed down my face. How upset I was, to the point where I almost became physically ill.
Once your room was completely empty, I asked to be alone. I shut the door. I sank against the wall, and slowly sat down.
I couldn’t stop my pain. I couldn’t stop the tears. I couldn’t stop my hysteric sobs. This is where you took your last breath in this world.
“I’m here Austin. I’m finally seeing your place. I love it, it’s perfect.” I said out loud, in your empty bedroom. I sat there, for what seemed like hours, days. I lost track of time. It seemed like an eternity. I sat there, alone and cried. No one came in the room to get me. I just sat there alone, completely empty and lost.
I have your cologne, on my dresser. I’m always going to keep it.
Another one of my favorite childhood memories with you, was playing video games. Whether it was Nintendo 64, or PlayStation that was “our thing.”
Some of our favorites we used to play together were – 007 Golden Eye, Rock Band, Grand Theft Auto, and any Mario game. I was fortunate enough to be able to keep all of your gaming systems, and all 100’s of your games.
I didn’t have the space now, in my tiny studio apartment to have all your gaming systems. There is a storage unit, inside my apartment building in the basement. Where I keep all of those games and systems, securely locked.
Well as this world continues to show how horrific it is, and how awful people continue to be, someone broke into our building, and into the storage units in the basement.
I had forgotten I had all of your gaming things in there.
They took everything. Everything. All of those physical memories I had from those games, now are completely gone. I don’t even care about the money value.
The sentimental value of these items was more than any money on this earth. And now it’s gone.
This event led me to another breakdown. I lost it. I started hyperventilating. I broke down. I had every bad thought come back into my head. I couldn’t control my anger, my sadness and my loss of hope.
How can you replace something like that? You can’t. I’ll never be able to ever again.
I honestly don’t understand this world. I need some kind of period where I can just breathe.
I feel like the world keeps trying to break me down, further and further. I’ve already hit rock bottom, what more can happen?
I felt like I let you down, Austin. That I was irresponsible and let you down. All of your important things I let get stolen. I know it’s not my fault, but I still feel responsible. I feel in my heart like you would be disappointed in me somehow, as silly as it seems.
I know I still have your clothing, shoes, movies, and magic cards. Your trinkets, dinosaur figurines and such. I do have your personal things that mattered to you, it wasn’t all stolen, just a big part of what we shared together was.
I’m hoping to find peace, and some clarity in the next few weeks. I can’t even bring myself to go back down to my storage unit, to see the trash and mess. To see the empty box, where all your games used to be. I would fall apart again. Emotionally, that’s too much for me to handle.
I’m still grieving, we are all still grieving. This I know set me back in that process, substantially.
That’s why I’m so scared. Scared of losing my mind full of those memories of you. If I would no longer have any physical things left of you, would my mind still be able to remember it all?
I’m not sure, and that’s what I’ve been struggling with since this all happened.
Thank you for all that continue to read my blog, support me and reach out to me. It means more than I could ever say.
Until next time.
So it goes.