My dreams. The reoccurring memories that continue to play in my mind, every time I close my eyes each night I dream of you. My dreams are a constant reminder that you are still gone, and that you’re never coming back.
I’ve tried blocking out everything bad, everything bad in my past so I can continue to try to move forward in life.
I continue to block out the physical and mental abuse, my real father did to me my whole life. Right after you left us, I had a lot of Brad dreams. I had another one last night.
It started off with Brad beating me, and telling me it was my fault you left us. He kept repeating over and over again, I am the reason you left. I was sobbing and trying to make him stop. In my dream, my mind kept thinking maybe it was my fault you left us.
I shouted at him, it was his fault you left us… for abusing us all these years. That finally made him stop and he left.
Flash forward in my dream. I’m with my family, but you are not there. I check my phone and Brad had sent me an email. It said, “This is the last thing you will ever read on this phone. I am cancelling your account. You will never longer have a phone.”
I started to panic in my dream, and started to hyperventilate. I woke up.
It took me a few minutes to catch my breath, to realize that was all just a bad dream. I had to associate myself with objects in my apartment, to get my mind back in the right place.
I couldn’t go back to sleep. I kept thinking about Brad, and thinking about you. It made me sick to my stomach.
Survivor’s guilt. I’ve read about it plenty. I experience it daily. Guilty that I am still alive, and you are not. I am your sibling, we couldn’t have been any closer and yet, I couldn’t do anything to help you.
Brad had a way of blaming everything on everyone else. He sat on his pedestal, and could do no wrong. That’s why in my dream, he kept blaming me for your death.
We never had the father we needed growing up. We were subjected to his abuse daily. We grew up only knowing that, and nothing else. I tried protecting you, as much as I could but I couldn’t even protect myself from Brad’s abuse.
As I have mentioned in my previous posts, Brad was only physically abusive to me and not you or Ali. I am very grateful he never could hurt you in that way. But the emotional abuse is just as daunting as physical abuse.
Brad had already done the damage. The damage that would leave all of us scarred and messed up for the rest of our lives.
I know that’s why I dreamed of Brad hurting me, in a physical way last night. I was always so scared of him.
Another part of being one of Brad’s children is he would give you something only for it to be taken away. That was one of his biggest glories. He would buy you a new CD, shoes or clothing and then hours later threaten to take it away.
That was one of his biggest highs in life, to have that control over his children. He would do this to me more times than I could remember. I know he did it to you too Austin.
He used to have full control over me, and my things. Everything from my car to my cell phone, he had some sort of control of. And that’s why I dreamed of him taking away my cell phone, because he used to do that all the time.
I am finally free. Finally, free of Brad. Free of that torture and abuse. But it still resides in me. In my mind, my memories and my dreams. I am emotionally scarred for life. And so were you.
You Austin, are finally free of his abuse as well. That’s all I ever wanted for you, was for you not to hurt anymore from anything or anyone in this world.
On top of this emotional upbringing, we lost you. To attempt to live every day, with all these thoughts going on in the back of my mind is daunting.
I try to forget my past. I try to forget my childhood, growing up with an abusive, alcoholic father. If I forget my whole past, I forget you. Something I continue to battle with every day.
If I try to remember the good parts of my past, usually the bad parts come back as well.
All I have of you now are our memories. Memories of our short time we had together here on this earth. I try to replay them constantly, in fear of losing them. I hold them close to my heart. I hope I will never forget our memories together brother. They are all I have.
Until next time.
So it goes.