Everything is grey. Everything has been grey since you left. The sky. The grass. The clouds. The world. Grey.
I’d do anything to feel the color again. Anything to feel except numbness. That’s all I’ve felt since you left us. Numbness. The pain seems to turn into feeling numb. The extreme emotional and physical pain is starting to become numb.
It was all pain, don’t get me wrong. The pain of losing you made me lose myself. Now when other things go wrong, or something is upsetting I don’t even feel it anymore. It’s nothing compared to losing you, or the pain I felt after you left us.
It’s the kind of pain you can feel in your bones. You can feel in your heart. You can feel the pain literally break everything that you were.
I’ve tried searching for you in so many ways since you left us. I’ve tried finding you in nature, one of your favorite places to be. I would sit among the trees, close my eyes and hope you’d show me a sign or make me feel your presence somehow.
I’d look out at the lake, breathing in the fresh air. Looking for you in the water, searching for you. I haven’t felt your presence since you left, yet I continue to search.
The only way I can see you again or feel your presence is in my dreams. I can’t begin to name all the dreams I’ve had of you since you left. I keep wondering if this is the only way I’ll be able to see you again.
Another dream of you. You were in the hospital. You were seriously ill, almost to the point of death. I rushed into the hospital, running through the endless hallways trying to find you.
I finally found your room. I was the first one out of our family to be there. There you were, in a hospital gown. A million machines were plugged into you. You looked so skinny and pale.
“Austin, what is wrong?” I weeped. You didn’t reply to me in my dream. Not at first.
A nurse came in and told me how bad it was.
“Austin, you can’t die.” I said. You then turned and finally looked at me.
“It’s going to be ok Aubrey, it will be.” You said.
I woke up. There is the same pattern in all of my dreams. You are always hurt. You always reassure me you will be ok. If this is you, if this is you giving me a sign you are ok, if this is you showing me your presence it is something I will have to accept.
If this is the only way I can know you are ok, wherever you are out there then I will accept it. I’m not sure I can accept this, that I can only feel your presence in my dreams.
I wish I had other ways of knowing you’re ok. I wish so many things, and nothing will ever come true.
That’s part of grieving over a loss, you will never know when you will see that person again.. if ever. I wasn’t ready to lose you, and I would have probably never been.
As the Holiday’s continue to come closer, I know my dreams of you will become more intense. I can just hope I can find some condolence, and peace with them all.
I know you are at peace, I wish I was too.
Until next time.
So it goes.