A sign from you

A sign. That’s all I’m asking from you. A sign that you are okay. That you are in peace finally. The closet thing I’ve gotten from you are my dreams. I constantly dream of you.

Small signs that you are okay. I can only take this as you trying to tell me things. I’ve written about my dreams, and I will continue to do so.

I continue to struggle in my every day life. I continue to struggle with my choices and my decisions I make.  I’m never happy, no matter what I do. Any happiness is temporary.

One of the best decisions I’ve done is to coach. I’ve never felt more needed in my life. I’ve never felt like I’ve ever belonged anywhere, I’ve never felt like what I have done has mattered. Until I started coaching.

Coaching has been so incredibly rewarding, rewarding for myself on so many levels. I’ve recently made the big step and made a huge career change. I’ve decided to work with children for a living.

Work with children who need the extra help, the extra attention. I have taken a position as a special education assistant for an alternative school in Minneapolis.

This is the last stop for most of these children. They come from unheard living situations, and need the extra help.

I felt like this is my calling. I know you guided me with this decision Austin. I know it deep down in my heart.

I also know you would be proud of me Austin. I also know it’s something you would have done, and in fact you did work in a field related to this. You taught swimming lessons, and life-guarded. You worked with children and you were amazing.

It takes a special heart to work with children, and you had that kind of heart Austin.

There were a lot of hard decisions I had to make, in order to take this new decision. I had to outweigh the pro’s and con’s. I knew deep down in my heart I needed to do this, but I needed to also be practical.

I had a dream last night. Finally, a sign from you that I know was you.

I was at school working. I was in a classroom when I started crying. I ran outside to the courtyard. I couldn’t stop sobbing, I kept thinking in my dream how much I missed you. Another teacher came out, and brought me back inside.

I walked back into my classroom. The children were all lined up in a line. I went to my desk.

“It’s ok Miss Aubrey,” one of the children told me. She then came up to me and hugged me.

I sobbed into this little girl’s arms and just held on to her.

“It’s ok,” she told me again. This little girl in my dream couldn’t have been older than 8.

Once she was done hugging me, the next child in line came and hugged me. I started to calm down in my dream. These little children knew that I needed a hug. They knew I was hurting. They all wanted to hug me in my dream. I couldn’t believe it.

I woke up.

I know that was you Austin. I know you were telling me I made the right choice. I needed that, I needed that and you knew.

It’s so hard not being able to talk to you everyday. It’s so hard looking at my phone and knowing I can’t text you, or give you a phone call. It’s so hard not being able to hear your voice.

It’s so hard not having my best friend anymore.

I will continue to look for you, always. I will look for you in the trees, in the sky, in the sun and in the lake.

I will continue to look for signs from you, signs that you are in peace. I will continue to look for guidance from you.

If the only way I can have anything from you is in my dreams, then so be it. It’s better than nothing.

I truly believe you are in my dreams, and you are speaking to me. Never stop.

Thank you brother for showing me this sign, for showing me this was the right choice for me. I know you are proud of me.

I try to be more like you. I try to do things as you would. Your heart was so pure and so right. I only hope I can be more like my little brother some day.  I need to live on, and continue to live for you.  To go on and live for my brother, because that’s what you would have wanted.

I hope one day I will be able to see you in other aspects of my life, but until now I will continue to see you in my dreams brother.

Until next time.

So it goes.