The day I dread the most..

The day I dread the most is coming up.  And no matter what I do to try to stop time, and stop this awful day from coming, I can’t.  It will still happen.  I will relive that day, over and over again in my mind.  Like a broken record that repeatedly plays.  Even if my day is completely full of business and chaos, my mind will still be focused on you.  On the day I found out.  The day I found out you were gone.  The day you left me.

It’s been 4 years now, and it still feels like yesterday.  Time has no meaning to me anymore, at least not like it used to.  I still like awake before bed every night and how my soul aches.  Aches to see you, to give you a hug and tell you how much I love you. How my mind still cannot process your death, and how awful my life has been since you left.

Some days it’s hard to remember, remember how it felt to be with you.  It’s hard to remember all your little perks and mannerisms, things I never want to forget.  How I wish I could call you and hear your voice.  It seems like forever since I saw you last, and how excruciating that thought is.

You are my brother, my best friend, such a huge part of my heart and soul.  And I feel like I’ve lost that part, that part of me I’ll never get back.  Most days I feel like I’m lost and wandering this earth with no reason.  The reason that I thought I was put on this earth is gone.  Once you left, you took a part of me with you.  The fun, loving, bubbly, happy, smiling girl that walked this earth with a purpose.

Now most days I just hope I can get through another day with my anxiety.  You didn’t know leaving me would make it this hard for me to live.  You didn’t know I’d have to live my life incapable of functioning normally on a day to day basis because of how afraid I am of everything. My anxiety has reached a point where I can no longer do every day things.  I’ve tried, trust me I’ve tried and pushed myself, but it’s gotten so bad that I had to get help.  One thing you never wanted.

I don’t want to live the rest of my life without you.  But I have to.  I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this, with my anxiety controlling my mind and body. Controlling every single ounce of my existence. But I don’t have to.  I’m getting help, the help I need to try to be able to function again like a normal human being.  I’ve lost all those skills.  I know you’d never want me to live like this, but you didn’t know what you leaving would do to me.

You wanted to escape your pain and find your peace.  Even through all of this I know deep down you finally found it.  And now I must find a new peace for me.  A new reason to live.  A new way to live my life.  Start from scratch.

My body knows this day is coming.  It tells me.  It will be 4 years and my body knows.  I’ll start feeling it next week.  My heart will physically hurt.  My legs and arms will be stiff and tired.  All I’ll want to do is sleep, and that’s what I’m going to do.  Listen to my body.  Take the time for myself.  Practice self-care.

I had a dream about you the other night.  It made me physically ill.  I haven’t dreamed about you in months.  So why now?  Is it because your anniversary is coming up?  Are you trying to speak to me?

We were at a high school, in the gym.  I was playing basketball.  Brad was there.  You were playing too with some of your friends.  I remembered I forgot my shoes and Brad and I left to go to the car.  I remember digging through his truck, searching endlessly trying to find my basketball shoes.  What seemed like forever that I finally found them.

We walked back to the gym and you weren’t there.  You were gone.  I panicked, then Brad said you probably left with your friends.  In my dream I shrugged it off, and then went to go play in my game.  I remember in my dream playing my game, doing well and going home happy and proud.

We got to our house, and your car was parked in the driveway.  I walked up to it, and there you were, lying lifelessly in the driver seat.  You were completely red and black, from being burned. Your face, chest, arms, hands were covered with third degree burns.

I grabbed you and held you in my arms and started crying.

“Who did this to you?!” I screamed.  You looked at me, and I saw the pain in your eyes.  I knew it was from the kids who bullied you.  You laid in my lap, still buckled into the car as I wept.

I woke up.  The emotion and feeling I felt when I opened my eyes, I’ll never be able to explain that kind of pain.  I’ll never be able to explain the helpless feeling I felt as I lie there, bursting into tears.

I knew you were in so much pain, pain I wish I could have taken from you.  Pain you should have never felt or had to go through.  You were the kindest, sweetest, gentlest soul in this world.  And look what the world did to you.  It showed you it’s cruelest self.  I’m sorry, so sorry you went through what you did.

I wish I could have taken it all away and go through it instead of you.  But life doesn’t work that way.  The world isn’t like that.  We don’t have control over this life.  I would have down anything for you to stay here, anything.

As one of my most painful days comes near, I hope for your peace.  I hope for your happiness, freedom and contentment.  I know it will never get easier, time will continue to go on.  The world will continue to live.  No words, nor no amount of time will heal from you leaving.  It’s something I have to continue to try to live with, as best as I can.  I miss you so much brother, there is so much I wish I could tell you.

I miss my best friend.

Until next time, so it goes.