Your Cologne

It’s funny how I’ll be doing something in my everyday life, I won’t necessarily be thinking of you and then out of nowhere, you will appear. I was cleaning my bathroom cabinet tonight when I came across your cologne. I lied on the bathroom floor and the flashback of how I ended up with your... Continue Reading →

The day I dread the most..

The day I dread the most is coming up.  And no matter what I do to try to stop time, and stop this awful day from coming, I can’t.  It will still happen.  I will relive that day, over and over again in my mind.  Like a broken record that repeatedly plays.  Even if my... Continue Reading →

What is Anxiety?

Anxiety is waking up in the morning, feeling like you’ve been hit by a train.  It’s struggling to get out of bed, struggling to get ready for work.  Anxiety is when you don’t want to get in your car and make the commute to work, because you don’t want to be alone in your car... Continue Reading →

Anxiety, it’s back.

It’s been awhile, almost a year since I’ve last wrote.  My writing was part of my therapy, part of putting my words, thoughts and feelings down on a screen.  Acknowledging that this is my life now, that this is the real deal.  I’m not dreaming, I am very much living in this nightmare.  Still, after... Continue Reading →

Your birthday

It's been another year. Time has no meaning when you're gone. It's these kinds of days where I wish I could stay in bed all day and pretend that you're still here.  That I can pick up the phone and call you, wish you a happy birthday and make plans to celebrate. It's so hard... Continue Reading →

Living with the Guilt

It's 2:00 AM.  I can't sleep.  I'm afraid to sleep. I'm afraid to close my eyes. I'm afraid of what will when happen when I do. I'm afraid of having another dream of you dying.  I've had two of these dreams, in the past week. They've shaken my soul. Survivor's guilt.  Sibling guilt.  I've read... Continue Reading →

A sign from you

A sign. That's all I'm asking from you. A sign that you are okay. That you are in peace finally. The closet thing I've gotten from you are my dreams. I constantly dream of you. Small signs that you are okay. I can only take this as you trying to tell me things. I've written... Continue Reading →

Peace

Everything is grey. Everything has been grey since you left. The sky. The grass. The clouds. The world. Grey. I’d do anything to feel the color again.  Anything to feel except numbness.  That’s all I’ve felt since you left us.  Numbness.  The pain seems to turn into feeling numb.  The extreme emotional and physical pain... Continue Reading →

The Abuse Lives On.

My dreams. The reoccurring memories that continue to play in my mind, every time I close my eyes each night I dream of you.  My dreams are a constant reminder that you are still gone, and that you’re never coming back. I’ve tried blocking out everything bad, everything bad in my past so I can... Continue Reading →

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