Living with the Guilt

It’s 2:00 AM.  I can’t sleep.  I’m afraid to sleep. I’m afraid to close my eyes. I’m afraid of what will when happen when I do. I’m afraid of having another dream of you dying.  I’ve had two of these dreams, in the past week. They’ve shaken my soul.

Survivor’s guilt.  Sibling guilt.  I’ve read about it.  I’ve been to group therapy about how siblings experience survivor’s guilt after losing a sibling to suicide.  I experienced it myself right after you left me.  It’s back again.

The dreams I had of you right after you left, weren’t like this in any way.  There were more of you being at peace.  You were dead in my dreams, but you were okay with it.  You weren’t scared, or upset.  You were content.  In my dreams, you were trying to reassure me.  You were trying to show me you were finally okay.

The dreams I’ve had in the past week have been none like I’ve ever experienced before. That scares me.  It’s haunted me every night I’ve closed my eyes before bed.

The first dream started off normal.  We were at home together, as a family.  I had just gotten home and was busy running around cleaning my room.  You came in and wanted to do something with me.  I shrugged you off.  I said I was too busy.  A friend texted me while you were still standing in my room.  I got invited to spend the night.  I started packing my bag.

You left my room.  I then went into my mom’s room to tell her I was leaving.  As I was talking to her, you came into the room.  You asked again if we could hang out.  I said no I had plans now.

You left the room.  A few minutes later I heard a weird sound.  I walked out onto the balcony of the stairs.  I saw you hanging there, dead.  I cried out loud and ran into my mom’s room.  I told her what you did.  It was all my fault, why did I say no to you?

I violently woke up.  I tried to come to.  I looked around my bedroom.  I didn’t recognize anything.  I laid there, tears streaming down my cheek.  It was my fault.  I blew you off.  Then you left me.  And I then I had the burden of telling my mother.

This happened in real life.  Some of it.  I’ve written about it before.  I was the first one to find out in our family.  That burden, those words, the news that you were gone will forever haunt my soul for as long as I walk on this earth.

My second dream.  We were at home again.  I was in my room.  You were younger, maybe 9 or 10.  I walked into the bathroom.  You were taking a bath, playing with red toys in the tub.  I smiled and started brushing my teeth.

A few moments later, I looked over at you.  You were face down in the tub.  I screamed and dropped my tooth brush.  I immediately rushed over and picked you up.  You were barely alive.  I ran downstairs, holding you as close as humanly possible to my body.

My mom and stepdad were downstairs.  I started screaming and crying saying you weren’t breathing.  I started to give you mouth to mouth.  I remember you look directly into my eyes, slowly slipping away.

I woke up trembling. My hands and arms were literally shaking. I’ve never woken up this way.  I couldn’t stop the tears that streamed down my face.  My whole body was taken over by anxiety.  It took me awhile, as I lied there to calm down. I couldn’t move.  I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t get your face out of my head.

I tried to save you.  I couldn’t.  I failed.  I let you down.  Even though you made the choice to leave me, I still couldn’t do anything.  The pain, the feeling of this guilt is more than I can bare.  I would have down anything to save you.  Anything to help you.  Anything to make you feel better.

3 years.  3 years and I still feel this way.  My dreams are only getting worse.  Everyone told me things would get better in time.  This isn’t true.  This is what living without you is like.  The constant grief, the overwhelming guilt, the endless pain.

This is my every day life.  This is the life you left me to live.  I try to put my best foot forward each day.  To not let the sadness overtake me.  This past week has been absolute hell trying to trying to start my day after waking up like that.

The only way I am able to see you is in my dreams.  I used to look forward to dreaming about you.  Having you show me you are in peace.  The only way you could show me was in my dreams.  Now my dreams of you have turned into nightmares. Nightmares that are haunting me, every second of the day.

So why now am I having these awful dreams of your death?  Is it because your birthday is coming up?  Is it because my mind is still grieving?

I don’t understand.  You took all your answers when you left.  There are so many pieces of the puzzle that are missing, that will always be missing.  Answers I will never have.  My soul will never be fully at peace.  You are missing from it.

I haven’t written in awhile, and I used to be so good at posting once a week. I’m going to try to start doing this again.  Writing is a form of therapy for me.  Thanks for everyone who reads my blog.  Until next time.

So it goes.